The Real Force Behind Building Commonalities
One of the corner stones of building comfort and rapport with anyone is having commonalities. Regardless of race, sex, or age we naturally try to build commonalities when we are engaging someone in conversation, but I’ ve noticed no one really explained why we do it. We generally know that if two people have something in common, they get along better. I knew that since I was a kid. Nothing new there, but that doesn’t really answer the question of “why do people get along better when they have something in common?”
It wasn’t until recently when I was taking a shower that it hit me why commonalities are important. The real force behind commonalities is that when you see someone else have something you also have in common, it reinforces the beliefs and decisions you’ve made are good.
I repeat: Commonalities reinforce the beliefs and decisions you’ve made are good.
Just think about it. If you are an activist for green energy and you meet someone who is also into that, you will feel (subconsciously) that you have made the right decision to be a green energy activist, because you see someone is what you are. It’s very validating to see that, especially if the belief, lifestyle, or occupation, etc, is a big part of your life. The bigger the role it plays in your life, the more validating it is when you meet someone who shares that aspect of your life.
When I was in London, fellow Love Systems instructor sheriff and I were talking about women and our preferences. One thing that struck me was when he said (paraphrased): “When I meet a girl who is a third culture kid, it is game over. I’m all over her.” Not so surprisingly, sheriff is a third culture kid himself (someone brought up in one or many environments that weren’t their own culture). Compare that to meeting a girl that is from the same city you are from. It’s not as validating, right?
My point is, when it is a big commonality it’s very validating to see someone else who shares that with you. You instantly connect with that person because you know there are so many things you guys have in share; same beliefs, same decisions, similar life experiences, and so on. You can make someone feel this validation too by trying to find (impactful) commonalities. The easiest way is by playing the “question game”. Just make sure you fire off the right questions, which Braddock has a huge list of questions for the question game.
You can dig for commonalities for building comfort and rapport with girls you want to date, but you can do it the wrong way too by either getting into “interview mode” (asking many questions back-to-back when it’s not part of the question game) or getting in the friend zone (having too much rapport with no escalation). The former is what I see a lot. You see it back with guys who aren’t aware of Love Systems and try to pickup women. Right off the bat of the conversation they will try to dig deep with the girl to see if he has any commonalities.
“Where are you from?”
“What do you do?
“What’s your favorite movie/tv show/color/X?”
And so on…..
As soon as the girl answers his question, the guy will try to see if he and she have something in common. If they do, then the guy bought himself a couple more seconds. If not, he will usually fire off another question to find commonalities.
In a lot of cases if the guy and the girl have something remotely in common, the guy will throw it out there but most of the time it won’t score points.
Guy: “Where are you from?”
Girl: “I’m from Santa Monica”
Guy: “No way….I have a friend who lives there.”
WHO CARES YOU HAVE A FRIEND WHO LIVES THERE TOO?
I see this type of dialogue week in, week out. In most cases this type of dialogue will bore girls. One thing Future always says is that boredom is one of the kryptonites for attraction. To avoid the typical interview mode try to mix statements with questions. Every question can be restated as an statement. Instead of asking “where are you from?” you can say “You look like you’re from the Mid-west, because you’re so friendly.” Whether I’m right or wrong, she will let me know where she’s from. This is what we call a cold-read. If I’m right, I seem intuitive and I’m “in.” If I’m wrong, she will let me know where she is from. Win-win.
Trying to build (too many) commonalities before the girl is attracted is a fast ticket to boredom and friend-zone planet. That’s why within the Love Systems Triad Model, in the emotional progression you see that attraction comes before comfort. That’s also why I advocate using the question game mid-way in the conversation when you know the girl is attracted to you.
Before you start building commonalities with a girl, she should be first attracted to you. If she is not attracted to you, most of the time she will not want to invest in the conversation. Especially not building commonalities, that should be saved for later on. If want to know how to build attraction with women (and how to get started with dating more beautiful women), I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Magic Bullets.
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Though you are right on the statement that it reinforces the beliefs and decisions part, you are forgetting A LOT. I don’t mean to insult you dude, but honestly, you’re an instructor and it seems like you’re not that knowledgeable about the psychology of girls (which is obviously what the methods are about).
Example: If I broke my leg, and I’m wearing a cast, and I find a girl in the same situation, I would value her. Obviously not because it reinforces that my beliefs and decisions are correct…
It’s because I have someone else to talk to it about and share my pain. Though this was a shitty example for game, it still applies to it. There are SO MANY MORE ways somebody will value another person through commonalities, not just reinforcing that I was right about certain things.
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